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how can i explain myself? how can i get everything i need to get off my chest cause these brushed off thoughts are building up. first and foremost, i can say i feel better about my life. its not perfect but im working hard and enjoying life too. im blessed and im trying to find a new love in God. if it aint the most mind boggling thing. my first love and I broke up because i was too childish. it was such a beautiful thing we had and as much as i want it back we are two different people now. i still have feelings for him, but ive accepted them. yeah i still love him, but love isnt gonna make things work between two people. i catch myself in a relapse at least once a month just reminiscing on that beautiful love that we had. i thought it was gonna be hard to move on from him, but it wasnt because i still love him. doesnt make sense? i mean to say that no matter who i am with, imma think about him everyday. because he is my first love. still til this day i think about him at least once a day. sometimes when i relapse its gets so bad to a point i write these long texts and emails but never send them off because im scared that i will break our friendship we have now. i never send them off now because in my mind its a doubt that he still loves me. i ran across his 4 page letter that he wrote me and it was hard for me to run across it without reading it over. its been about a year and some change since me and him broke up. yeah damn i made it. im ready to love someone again, im ready to be in love again, im ready to compromise and commit. ive had a fun year being single and playin around. but now its time to be complete again. sometimes i think in my heart that noone will ever love and care for me like how he did. its just a diary of a broken love sometimes with me, and then some days its not even heavily onmy mind. i still smile when i random memories pop up. my heart still beats fast when i go to see his twitter/myspace/facebook pages. it sounds stalkerish but somehow we always end up being friends on social networking sites anyways. im still interested in HOW hes doing and what projects he got going on now. but i never text him to ask sometimes. i make myself feel awkward to hit him up so i dont think about him but in my own time. so basically the feelings and thoughts i have of him? i learned to control it by not even letting him know i am thinkin of him. idk if he has a new love or has found one but i wouldnt be surprised cause hes a good man. id love to see him happy, and in my heart i know i wish it was me, but id rather him be with someone who he wants to be with because i know he makes the right choices with wellthought out reasoning. i wanted to be with him forever and be his wife and have his child. i wanted a family with him. thats the certainty i had. i wish we coulda build past and more, but im glad i even got to experience.

i moved on trying to find that right one again. i dont know if its atlanta dudes.. but every single one of them just about told me they found a special thing in me and that im a good woman and have a good heart but they ended up going back to their past or wasnt ready to be settled down yet... (cont later)